It's such an ancient pitch But one I wouldn't switch 'Cause there's no nicer witch than you

- Frank Sinatra

Why on earth would I want to know more about Afghanistan, the US economy, the Mexican drug war, and the estimated 100,000 Pakistani children who face starvation?

Tell me more about that witchcraft!

Dr. Laura Schlesinger quit her radio show this week to regain her First Amendment rights. After repeatedly using an extremely offensive, racist word on the air, Dr. Laura wants to be able to say what she wants, where she wants, how she wants, why she wants and more.

To paraphrase another (former) public figure, we won’t be able to kick Dr. Laura around anymore. She is taking her ball, and going home. Instead of telling her mommy to tell our mommy; however, Dr. Laura told Larry King.

With the release of Sex & The City II, it’s that time again.

Time for breathless “news” discussing earth shattering stories of consequence. What are Carrie/Samantha/Charlotte/Miranda wearing? Are Carrie and Big still together? Is Samantha…umm, still not “family friendly”? What’s up with awkward Miranda? How’s Charlotte’s sugar coated, goody-goody life?

I am invoking the words of Roberto Duran when I say with regards to Sex & The City – “NO MAS”. Yep, in the words of Mixed Martial Arts, I am tapping out of the Carrie/Samantha/Charlotte/Miranda bout. No mas. Tap…tap…tap.

According to Gian Franco Kasper, President of the International Ski Foundation, ski jumping “seems not to be appropriate for women from a medical point of view." Therefore, by Kasper’s understanding of feminine design, women are not meant to ski jump. Why should we care? Because of Kasper’s remarks and “no” vote on women’s ski jumping, women will not be competing in ski jumping in the Olympics, which start tomorrow.

Just to clarify: women get to TEST the Olympics ski jumps to make sure they are OK for competition, but women will not be allowed to COMPETE in the 2010 Olympic Games.

Arriving on the not-so-well-heeled heels of Diet Season (a.k.a. Post New Year’s Funtime) is the revelation that Jennifer Aniston is now “curvy” (the more PC word for fat), as evidenced by her appearance at the Golden Globes.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?!

New York Times, I have a special place for you to stick your upper arm measuring declarations of “womanly roundness”. Unfortunately, the location is pretty dark, so it will be difficult to gaze upon that additional millimeter of curves.

This is a story about Freddie the Dog.

I know that Brother Henry will probably follow up with a Tale of Truffle (it’s a tough month for the Schwallers’ dogs), but this is about Freddie.

Allegedly, Freddie was an eight year old Belgian Shepherd, but to me he was a 65 pound bundle of passive aggressive marshmallow love, wrapped up in two coats of fur. He was David’s dog, but in many ways Freddie was mine too.

Dear Wall Street Journal,

During World War II, this was called a Dear John letter. That was a long time ago, but this is still the same kind of letter. I'm breaking up with you.

Together for over 10 years, I read you almost every day, Monday through Friday, even on weekends. I figured that even though I'm mostly a Democrat (yes, I vote for Republicans too), I was a conservative enough gal that we could get along, and heck, I would learn something to boot. You let me know that the housing crisis was starting two years before it hit. You amused me with your funny little editorials, asserting the greatness of George W. Bush. Your panic when Barack Obama started gaining in the polls against McCain was adorable.

But then Obama won, and you became unfunny and unattractive.

I am a bad Democrat. I did not watch Obama’s speech last night.

Nope, I got my hair done, and before you judge me, YOU try to get an after 5pm appointment with Katrin of Gary Manuel Salon. Seriously, she’s the Michelangelo of hair, people, the Michelangelo of hair.

But enough with the hair ranting, I am now kicking myself because America is afire with the accusation “you lie” shouted by Representative Joe Wilson, and I missed it. Based on what I have read, Wilson is a man from South Carolina who looks like he does not need Katrin’s services. He also typed on his Blackberry during the speech. Classy, Rep. Wilson. Classy.

Signs, heckling, accusing the President of lying. What the heck did the Republicans do before Obama’s speech? Bring in the cheerleaders from Bring it On and have a big rally to make sure it’s already been broughten?

You say Dick Cheney for President in 2012?

I say thank you Santa, praying at the crib of baby Jesus!

According to the Wall Street Journal, the Bush administration’s policies….um…torture (tomato/tomahto, right?) is what has kept us safe for seven and half years. Now that Obama is President, hoo boy, Katie bar the door and grab the ammunition! The solution to all this, of course, is to consider that Great White Hope Richard B. Cheney as a presidential candidate in 2012.

Santa, take me off the naughty list and stop by sometime. I’ll happily scoop reindeer poop.

I’m confused.

Seattle’s Referendum 1 appears green, but sometimes I see it as number 2 bovine brown.

Referendum 1 is an ordinance (finally) being sent to voters on August 18. The referendum would instate a 20 cent fee on each paper and plastic bag used by consumers at checkout.

Seattle’s Mayor Nickels says the bag fee is to encourage the use of reusable bags and reduce waste. At 20 cents a bag, opponents say it’s another tax and unfairly hinders low income households. Proponents say the fee is to change people’s behavior and help the environment since the fee can be avoided by bringing a reusable shopping bag to the store.

That has some, including me, seeing some bovine brown among the green.