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« The Sign of Intelligent People | Main | Being a Person of Faith in a Christian Nation »


Extra-Constitutional Religious Pop Quiz

By Bob Hooper
September 9, 2010

"There is no contradiction between acknowledging that most of the Founding Fathers believed in God and some kind of Providence, may even have been practicing Christians, and asserting that they consciously wrote a secular Constitution and intended that the entity it legitimizes, the United States of America, be a secular state, in which religion could flourish precisely because it would be disentangled from government." -Dr. William Martin. Baker Institute, Rice University. Opposingviews.com

"The settled opinion here is, that religion is essentially distinct from civil Government, and exempt from its cognizance; that a connection between them is injurious to both." -James Madison (4th U.S. Pres.) ; Letter to Edward Everett, March 18, 1823

Since Article 6, Sec.3 of our Constitution requires that "no religious test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public trust under the United States" on their request answers may be off the record for current candidates.

PART I: Multiple Choice. Circle or underline your answer. 5 pts. each

1-- Article 6, Sec. 3 is (a) very wise (b) absolutely outrageous (c) proof that the founding fathers were hypocritical boozers (d) the insertion of the loopy janitor and nobody caught it. (e) Jeez, that crap is really in there somewhere??

2-- What should unify us as Americans is to be all (a) Christians (b) Jews (c) Muslims (d) American Indians (e) Hindus (f) Buddhists (g) Franklin-Jefferson-Paine Deists (h) agnostics (i) atheists (j) icky secular humanists (k) Crusaders who blow up Mosques and/or Synagogues and/or ACLU offices (l) supporters of keeping religious dogma out of civil government.

3-- The 25 pct. of our citizens who are Non-Christians should be (a) held in concentration camps (b) exported ...except for Jews and possibly American Indians (c) assigned inferior ranks and rights of citizenship (d) tested by L.Ron Hubbard to see if they qualify for Scientology (e) given last rites by a Priest and put to death. (f) OK except for Muslims or bleeding heart liberals (g) held in equal respect under the law.

4--The word Creator appears in (a) the Preamble to our Constitution (b) a footnote in the Federalist Papers (c) cartoonist biographies (d) I got this e-mail forward saying it's in our Constitution and verified by Snopes. (e) Declaration of Independence

5-- Jefferson used "Creator" in our Declaration of Independence because he wasn't sure how to spell (a) Jesus Christ, (b) Yahweh (c) Allah (d) the Son of God (e) the Great Spirit (f) Yeshua (g) Ronald Reagan (h) Enlightenment rationality.

6--The number of religious words and phrases in our Constitution is (a) one (b) two (c) six (d) Look, I used all 8 fingers and both thumbs and quit counting (e) I ain't never read it, ain't gonna. (f) I refuse to answer, and shame on you for asking. (f) none.

7-- Our Constitution requires all legitimate citizens to (a) accept Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior (b) believe in the resurrection (c) testify that Christ died for their sins (d) believe bread and wine actually becomes flesh and blood (e) honor the Bill of Rights, obey civil and criminal law or risk the penalty (f) At least read the Bible, dang it.

8--All Americans are obligated to (a) attend or claim to attend religious services regularly (b) repeat the Lord's Prayer on demand of the sheriff, deputy, or assignees (c) correctly list five tenets of the Nicene Creed (d) pray in their closets as verified by concealed camera (e) honor the Bill of Rights, obey civil and criminal law or risk the penalty..

9-- However, attending religious services these days (a) necessitates breaking picket lines (b) often results in death threats or jail time (c) will cost you the respect of your friends and neighbors (d) at minimum requires a valid driver's license and Fox TV loyalty (e) is still smart if you intend to run or are running for office (f) Huh?

10 -If we tore down the wall of separation, the country should then be run by (a) nominal Episcopalians and/or lawyers since most signers of our Constitution were one or both (b) a dogma-approving council of Mormons, Roman Catholics, Jehovah's Witnesses, Unitarian Universalists, one Quaker and one or more Mennonites (c) born-again Southern Baptists who don't drink or cuss and Charismatics who can speak in tongues (d) strictly heterosexual winners of a Focus on the Family contest (e) a televised winner-take-all multi-denominational tag team match. (f) an ecclesiastical supreme court with charter members Jimmy Swaggart, Benny Hinn, Pat Robertson, some Father Charles Coughlin doppelganger --Sam Brownback presiding. Veto power by Glenn Beck.

PART 2. Essay: 50 pts.

What specific principles exclusive to Christianity were inserted by our Founders in the Constitution of these United States? Please write legibly or type your answer on separate paper and staple to this test. Mail your answers to God at the address you normally use. You will get the results by return mail, UPS, FedEX, or lightning bolt--whichever is cheapest. Seriously.


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