At age 30, he met a new woman, a nurse, who thought she could help him. They had two more children. He was doing well for some time, taking his medicines and avoiding drugs. That only lasted a short time. He spent months in and out of treatment facilities, both for his mental illness and addiction. He was diagnosed with Manic Depression, now known as Bipolar Disorder. There were good days, but the bad days far out-numbered them. He had a family, a wife who did everything possible to get him help, yet he made his own decisions that left his family last on his list of priorities. He was then diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

That meant more medication, which he often refused to take. Medication was one of the few things in his life he could control. He made the decision when to take it or not. Everything else was out of his control. He tried to be a father to his children, but often left them emotionally scarred by actions and words. All four of his children, as they grew, removed them self from his life, for their own sake. With that, he got worse. He turned to prescription medication. He spent time in jail. He missed his children graduate from High School. His only child to graduate from college didn’t invite him to her big day. He didn’t walk his daughters down the aisle at their weddings.

It’s difficult enough for an outsider to understand mental illness, let alone the family. They see someone who they know is capable of giving love, though it comes and goes. They see someone who has had a traumatic life, yet they know they are experiencing their own trauma.

There is a stigma placed upon those with mental illness. It seems so easy to tell someone to take their medication, seek therapy and all will be well. But it isn’t. Often, health insurance companies shy away from insuring those with mental illness, as it is costly. But, he did not chose to have the illnesses he has, he didn’t chose to have the childhood he had. He did make more than his share of poor decisions, which haunt him everyday. He knows he doesn’t have long to live, due to liver failure from using IV drugs and contracting Hepatitis C.

He know has contact with all of his children, though the relationship is strained. It’s hard to forget the past, yet when you don’t know how long the future is, you must forgive and move on. He sees his grandchildren, which has a special meaning for him, since his children were unable to meet their grandfather.

As difficult as his life as been, it has been just as hard on me. I am his daughter. This isn’t an easy thing for me to admit. There is some shame in me telling you who my father is, what he has endured and brought upon us all. Yet, so many are afflicted with mental illness, and one thing I know for sure is that it is not their choice. It was my choice to come back into his life, which was and still is something I struggle with. There are days I feel as if he doesn’t deserve to have such a caring daughter, when he was never there for me.

Yet, I know I am doing what is right.

He wakes up everyday knowing life is a struggle, and he is my father. And I am always here to try to make his life less of a battle.